if not people, then what?

My grandma died on thursday. 2 days ago. She was 89. She stopped recognizing me last april, so I hadn’t seen her since then. But I went on monday. I read to her from Gone With The Wind. So awkward reading that book aloud when ALL the nurses are black and from ghana. Or the sudan. Or chad. But she’s dead now. I’m an atheist, so when people tell me that “she’s in a better place” or “she’s with god/husband/friends/family/whatever” it really just pisses me off. No, she’s DEAD. Not floating around. Not schmoozing with jesus or gandhi. If there were a heaven or hell I doubt that she’d be there. Don’t get me wrong, my grandma was a good person. But she was racist. Old people racism is allowable, up to a point. But otherwise she was a good person.

I miss her. But I grieved for her when she stopped recognizing me. This is just…final.